If I Was Caligula

If I was Caligula.....I would build a bridge to Cancun

2008-08-14T10:36:00.000-07:00

"In 39, Caligula performed a spectacular stunt by ordering a temporary floating bridge to be built using ships as pontoons, stretching for over two miles from the resort of Baiae to the neighboring port of Puteoli. It was said that the bridge was to rival that of Persian King Xerxes' crossing of the Hellespont. Caligula, a man who could not swim, then proceeded to ride his favorite horse, Incitatus, across, wearing the breastplate of Alexander the Great."

What do you mean I "could not swim"!? Let me explain something to you: They didn't have toilets in Ancient Rome. So pardon me if Caligula prefers not to swim in sewage.

Yeah, Baiae was a pretty good time back in 39, but right here in 2008, Caligula loves spring break in Cancun. Bring me libations in the belly-button of a hot coed!

If I was Caligula....I would bring back the codpiece

2008-07-23T11:02:00.000-07:00

Don't get me wrong, Caligula would absolutely take credit for inventing the glorious thing called "jeans". Togas are so fucking gay, dude. Anybody can get up in there and in the Roman summers, Caligula's thighs chafe like a motherfucker.

Personally, Caligula would make jeans with a codpiece the imperial uniform. Codpieces are ridiculous for the common man, but the emperor must protect his loins, the seat of the Roman future. Plus, I've gotta protect my junk.

If I was Caligula....I would go to Rehab

2008-07-17T12:54:00.000-07:00

In my day, there was no rehab. Florida was undiscovered, Ken Sealy wasn't yet born, and really the entire job of an Emperor is feasting and boozing. Sure, I could pray to Apollo, but what a drag that guy is. All that dude does is flay satyrs and fire arrows of plague at everything.

Oh yeah, let me think, 'Bacchus, god of ecstasy and disorder or the guy who turns you into an incense plant when you bug him too much?' Exactly.

If I was Caligula....I would force Bruni to let me make his Ko reservation

2008-07-07T10:06:00.000-07:00

I was talking to everyone's favorite political blogger about Momofuku Ko reservations today, and I mentioned that Frank Bruni has interns making his for him. How sad is it that I can't even have the career aspiration of Bruni's reservation bitch?

If I was Caligula, I would make Bruni let me make his Momofuku-ko reservations for him. Then I would feed him to lions and commission a nude, bronze statue of David Chang.

If I was Caligula...I would build a potato palace

2008-06-25T10:45:00.000-07:00

Ah, glorious potato. Legend has it that it was not merely fire that Prometheus brought to us, but in fact, the roasted potato that was stolen from the Gods themselves.

If I was Caligula, I would certainly eat potatoes in gold foil nested in the uterus of dolphin. I would also eat them fried, sticking them into the noses and mouths of the heads which litter my palace. I would eat them baked with butter from the royal cows and salt from the Adriatic. Glorious potato, you bless us with your wealth and delicious flavor!

If I was Caligula...I'd basically keep Hooters the same

2008-06-19T11:10:00.000-07:00

Caligula approves of scantily clad women serving wings and libations. He would probably change the name to Cooters.

If I was Caligula....I would make everyone wear gladiator sandals

2008-06-07T16:43:00.000-07:00

I bought these sandals from Baker's long before I knew they were the trend of the season. Dance, Little Boots, dance!!!

If I was Caligula...I would link to political blogs

2008-06-03T07:40:00.000-07:00

Like hsuperpolitical. And if hsuper dared to question the rule of Caligula, I would rape his wife IN HALF.

If I was Caligula....I would take an awesome minibreak

2008-05-31T16:21:00.000-07:00

We shall take the royal barge to the mouth of the Nile. My concubines and I would feed the crocodiles and Egyptian women shall make our eyes dark and beautiful like the locals. The greatest Roman actors shall act out the love affair Mark Anthony and Cleopatra as we're fed dates and yogurt. Slaves shall carry us up on canopied litters to the top of the mighty pyramids, where we shall see the stars and gaze upon the gods.

If I was Caligula...I would have the finest breakfast

2008-05-28T07:57:00.000-07:00

I would order my steward to prepare a breakfast feast of no less than a thousand Dunkin' Donuts toasted hash browns, served on golden platters by young Greek slave boys. A perfect sculpture of mighty Athena would pour the elixir of the gods, hazelnut iced coffee, light with 2 sugars, from her bosom. The finest lox platter from Zabars would served alongside thundering African warriors with assorted bagels upon their tribal spears.

Do not doubt that Caligula would provide a waffle station! There will be two waffle stations and a man cutting slices of freshly captured boar that I myself slayed in the Imperial hunt.

Incitatus, my mighty steed, consul, and priest, shall be watered with mimosas from the Imperial goblet. Finally, I shall have the guards rain a shower of bacon to the citizens from the backs of elephants.

If I was Caligula...I would go into hospitality and kill Stone Phillips

2008-05-22T12:21:00.000-07:00

If I was Caligula....I would buy all the Holiday Inns and call them Caligula Inn. I would install vomitoriums which would later be featured on Dateline for their uncleanliness. Then I would Have Stone Phillips executed by tiger at an Imperial Feast. No mere plebeian inspects Caligula with a blacklight!

If I was Caligula...I would treat my migraines with opium and cannabis

2008-05-17T19:01:00.000-07:00

Bring me the inventor of Maxalt! I shall have him buried up to the neck in the ground, and dump fire ants upon his idiot head.

Now, bring me my imperial bong full of cannabis and opium, the cure for migraines straight from the Mighty God Apollo.

If I was Caligula....I'd take you out on a proper date

2008-05-16T11:40:00.000-07:00

I'm sorry you have to go to some pretentious place with some smelly guy in Williamsburg tonight. If I was Caligula, I would take you upon my royal ship and make the slaves row double-time so the wind would flow through your hair. I would have your feet bathed and have the finest Nubian slaves dance for you. I would order a thousand barrels of wine and bring you a small, perfectly roasted pig and have the chef stuff it in a perfectly preserved albino peacock.

If I was Caligula....I wouldn't be at work right now

2008-05-16T11:18:00.000-07:00

Why do these peasant country people bother me all day with their trivial demands?! Where is the supple, young intern who will rub my shoulders and feed me grapes!?