If I was Caligula....I would bring back the codpiece

Don't get me wrong, Caligula would absolutely take credit for inventing the glorious thing called "jeans". Togas are so fucking gay, dude. Anybody can get up in there and in the Roman summers, Caligula's thighs chafe like a motherfucker.

Personally, Caligula would make jeans with a codpiece the imperial uniform. Codpieces are ridiculous for the common man, but the emperor must protect his loins, the seat of the Roman future. Plus, I've gotta protect my junk.

If I was Caligula....I would go to Rehab

In my day, there was no rehab. Florida was undiscovered, Ken Sealy wasn't yet born, and really the entire job of an Emperor is feasting and boozing. Sure, I could pray to Apollo, but what a drag that guy is. All that dude does is flay satyrs and fire arrows of plague at everything.

Oh yeah, let me think, 'Bacchus, god of ecstasy and disorder or the guy who turns you into an incense plant when you bug him too much?' Exactly.

If I was Caligula....I would force Bruni to let me make his Ko reservation

I was talking to everyone's favorite political blogger about Momofuku Ko reservations today, and I mentioned that Frank Bruni has interns making his for him. How sad is it that I can't even have the career aspiration of Bruni's reservation bitch?

If I was Caligula, I would make Bruni let me make his Momofuku-ko reservations for him. Then I would feed him to lions and commission a nude, bronze statue of David Chang.