If I was Caligula....I would take an awesome minibreak

We shall take the royal barge to the mouth of the Nile. My concubines and I would feed the crocodiles and Egyptian women shall make our eyes dark and beautiful like the locals. The greatest Roman actors shall act out the love affair Mark Anthony and Cleopatra as we're fed dates and yogurt. Slaves shall carry us up on canopied litters to the top of the mighty pyramids, where we shall see the stars and gaze upon the gods.

If I was Caligula...I would have the finest breakfast

I would order my steward to prepare a breakfast feast of no less than a thousand Dunkin' Donuts toasted hash browns, served on golden platters by young Greek slave boys. A perfect sculpture of mighty Athena would pour the elixir of the gods, hazelnut iced coffee, light with 2 sugars, from her bosom. The finest lox platter from Zabars would served alongside thundering African warriors with assorted bagels upon their tribal spears.

Do not doubt that Caligula would provide a waffle station! There will be two waffle stations and a man cutting slices of freshly captured boar that I myself slayed in the Imperial hunt.

Incitatus, my mighty steed, consul, and priest, shall be watered with mimosas from the Imperial goblet. Finally, I shall have the guards rain a shower of bacon to the citizens from the backs of elephants.

If I was Caligula...I would go into hospitality and kill Stone Phillips

If I was Caligula....I would buy all the Holiday Inns and call them Caligula Inn. I would install vomitoriums which would later be featured on Dateline for their uncleanliness. Then I would Have Stone Phillips executed by tiger at an Imperial Feast. No mere plebeian inspects Caligula with a blacklight!

If I was Caligula...I would treat my migraines with opium and cannabis

Bring me the inventor of Maxalt! I shall have him buried up to the neck in the ground, and dump fire ants upon his idiot head.

Now, bring me my imperial bong full of cannabis and opium, the cure for migraines straight from the Mighty God Apollo.

If I was Caligula....I'd take you out on a proper date

I'm sorry you have to go to some pretentious place with some smelly guy in Williamsburg tonight. If I was Caligula, I would take you upon my royal ship and make the slaves row double-time so the wind would flow through your hair. I would have your feet bathed and have the finest Nubian slaves dance for you. I would order a thousand barrels of wine and bring you a small, perfectly roasted pig and have the chef stuff it in a perfectly preserved albino peacock.

If I was Caligula....I wouldn't be at work right now

Why do these peasant country people bother me all day with their trivial demands?! Where is the supple, young intern who will rub my shoulders and feed me grapes!?